February 2012
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Please don't compare me, I am too close to...
It’s not a competition.
But people always make it so.
All of the sudden, my roommate lays down on me.
“Well, I don’t get my phone bill paid for by my parents. And I don’t get stuff donated from my parents. And I don’t strike luck like you do.”
Besides the fact that she comes back from her mother’s place with food and presents for her, and when I come...
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Thank you everyone, for your kind words and help.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do just yet. But you all helped me very much.
I know I’m not on a lot- I have limited internet from my phone, and only have access to unlimited internet when I make it to the library, or to my parents’ house (which you can understand I don’t want to be there unless I have to).
Thank you again.
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Anonymous asked: I know you may really hate to hear this, but if you aren't able to keep your food down, then you may have to see a doctor. :( But first, I'd say start small, with little bits as often as you can take, and then build up from there. I know it's a scary possibility, but if it gets that bad, a doctor might be the only one who can help fix you. I really really really hope that...
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Please, someone help.
I had to force myself to eat something.
After a whole day of eating almost nothing.
And even though I had a fraction of what it used to take to get me even satiated, near the end I could hardly swallow the food. Nearly threw it back up. I still feel weird.
What is happening to me?
No one is seeing how I’m wasting away, struggling to stay SOMETHING while everything is whittling me away....
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The Resolution of Living Without You
You burned the pieces of our friendship,
Left me to burn with the memories,
Instead I wrapped them around our love,
Put it all in a pretty little box,
And set light to it in the bathroom sink.
And perhaps this wasn’t what you wished,
But I know now that I’ll be okay.
I will be okay.
The resolution may not live out this day,
But I will, I will be okay.
There is no other way.
...
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I scream the words, and realize only then how true...
I am hopless.
I am broken.
I cannot be fixed.
I wll hurt you.
I need somebody to care.
But I drive them all away.
There is no fairytale ending.
Not for me.
No one can save me.
Not even me.
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I need to eat. I need to eat.
So far my hope of regaining even a portion of the 40 pounds I lost during my fight with BPD and depression and suicidal thoughts and stress (which is still ongoing, but I like to think these days and those days, November/December, are separate) is not going well at all.
I need to eat but I can’t. Not really. I’ll eat a bit here, a bit there, if my roommate cooks something she will...
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